A True Wannabe

We used to sing a little song in church growing up that was probably called "When I grow up..." It went something like this:

When I grow up, I want to be... (vigorous clapping)
I want to beeee a [insert profession here, i.e. doctor]
And if I am, I'm going to be... (more vigorous clapping)
A [doctor] whoooo's a Christian!!

Repeat as necessary to include all the dreams of the little kids in the group. Pretty sure we had cowboys, football players, firemen... you know, the usual suspects. Now despite "The Organization's" attempts to indoctrinate (pun, oops!) me, I've realized something recently.

My goal in life is not to become a good Christian whatever.

That is selling Christ so incredibly short and putting way too many blinders on the diversity and beauty of life. I was reading this morning about Mary and Martha's responses to Jesus being at their house. Martha was being the "good Christian woman" preparing food, cleaning the kitchen, setting the table, making sure all the kids were dressed appropriately, you know, because they had company. She got all hacked off at Mary who was in there lazing around listening to God speak.

Now this isn't to denigrate any of the aforementioned activities. I've been raised to have a large amount of respect for anyone who can cook, clean, organize, raise and coordinate, and even aspire to most of those things myself. The point here is the timing and the attitude toward God.

Fascination with people and Truth and full attentiveness to the ways in which God is moving in the world are all qualities that I desire much more than living by the norms. Sure, I want to have people over and cook for them, but when there is a precious moment to be shared, I also want to be the first one out of the kitchen.

This is where I tie it all together.

Some day, I'm hopefully going to be a doctor. Some day a patient is going to come in on the verge of tears wanting desperately just to talk and having no where else to turn. Efficiency, economy and propriety dictate that I take care of his/her medical concern and leave the emotional stuff to some one more qualified. This unnamed principle I've been pondering dictates that I drop everything else, reschedule my other patients and take the time to sit down and just allow some one to pour out there heart, giving them my full attention. I think that unnamed principle is called love.

When I grow up, I want to be, oh I want to be a doctor who is a passionate lover of people.

Physicianhood...ish. Part 2...ish

Every time I propose a brilliant theory for how life works, it gets tragically shot down... usually by me and before anyone else gets a chance. By the wonder of technology, I can now project a hint of what goes on internally to my friends or whoever searches for "Ross Baldwin" on Google. Try it. Top ten baby. Those other Ross Baldwins are going down.

I ran into a mental middle linebacker at the end of my last post. After establishing the core of who I am and my driving forces, I had a hard time coming up with anything intelligent to add. And because I can squeeze meaning out of anything, I figured out what that means. Here's my next attempt at explaining what should be better left to sociologists.

I detest and suck at (ATTENTION: Please leave a comment with a better word that can be used actively here, I'm failing to think of one and feel that it would be a valuable addition to my regular vocabulary) forecasting, and currently, I equate not forecasting with trusting God. I have a difficult time imagining what struggles I will face as a physician in the future. It's hard for me to worry about things, not because there aren't valid concerns, but because I sincerely have a hard time conceiving of unfavorable circumstances. Huh.

I don't know how to go about changing that, and I'm not entirely convinced that I should, except when it inconveniences others. Here's what I can, and daily attempt to, do:

I can shape who I am right now by the ideals insisted upon by my core values. That's what I do instinctively and it is where God meets me. If I say I want to be a physician who loves kindness, I need to love kindness. Here's a thought: I should treat my practice patients the way I want to eventually treat my actual patients. I should take off a weekend and go climbing every once in a while, but more often, I should give until there's nothing left, then give some more. I should do things not for the pleasure they bring me, but for the glory they bring God. I should wake up each day with the knowledge that love starts over at midnight, and it's a brand new day to show God and the people around me how much I love them. And always pressing on, to run in such a way that I will attain the prize, and never looking back.

And if something is going on that's not quite right, I should change it.

I heard an OUTSTANDING word this week (and actually, every week since I started going to Bethany and I'm not saying that lightly). Over the past month, the guy has systematically described what has happened to me over the last year up to where I am now and then rendered a God-centered view of how it has shaped me into a more faithful, humble and loving human. This week, I heard that no trend can replace Christ. Not the power of the Spirit, not social justice, not rocking worship music. It all comes back to Christ and if it doesn't, it starts feeling really hollow really fast. I identified with his bad examples in way too many ways. On the plus side, I heard how God continually peels back layers of defense and callousness to make us more valuable tools in His hands, and if we respond in faith to this painful process, we grow immensely...

"If you keep yourself pure, you will be a tool God can use for His purpose."

cool

A Reflection on "Physicianhood" - Part 1

So this is actually an assignment that we are completing in the South Campus Center as a small group. We just sat through a couple hours of lecture on "Physicianhood," which is basically all the gushy, emotional stuff attached to taking care of yourself and achieving "balance" as a physician. There were a lot of ideals put forward from the agnostic science-driven perspective about everyone's needs for love and approval and all that, and now I'm reflecting on what that means to me personally. Okay, end intro, here goes.

Christ is central to my life. Not central in the sense that I'm a Jesus superfan that goes to all His games and buys all his T-shirts and always bets on Him in the World Championships or whatever. Rather, He is central in the sense that my life is contingent upon His and that there is a flow that begins in Him that sustains and emboldens me. All of my philosophy, my "core values," and motivations derive directly from my understanding and knowledge of Him. This is not a convenient extract of a philosophy that I base on personal needs, but rather a realty that defines and reshapes my identity as I come to experience it more deeply.

So what do I do with all that? I'm more asking myself that than posing a brilliant rhetorical question. It means that my ideals as a physician, the standards to which I aspire, are not rooted in the values held by the medical community at large, nor even in my own personal beliefs and desires, but rather my ideals flourish where the Word has been revealed to the world. This is all very high-sounding talk simply to say that what God through Christ wants is what I want, even when I don't (temporarily) want it.

Some questions from the reflections paper we got:

What are your core personal values?

Rather than thinking about what pleases and motivates me most, I can respond with simplicity:

• Love.

More specifically:

• Seeking justice in the world I find myself in
• Delighting myself in kindness
• Recognizing my true strength and my true weakness in light of the glory of God.

I have not yet attained realization of those core values in my daily life, but to them I aspire and I persist.

After establishing such a base, my picture of physicianhood paints itself.

Physicianhood means committing everything I am and have to God and to the principles set forward by Him and learning how to share the light that I have with those around me, being Christ to a broken world.

Outro

I plan to finish up this writing assignment over the next few weeks to months, and I'll plan to post it up here as it takes shape.

Asking and Receiving

I haven't figured out that fine line that differentiates asking and receiving from asking and being rude. I've erred on both sides, but more frequently on the latter I would say. Nonetheless, I know that if I DON'T ask, I WON'T receive, so I persist.

A great example arose this weekend when I decided that a sunny weekend in western Washington was a terrible thing to waste studying, so I took off on Saturday for destinations previously unknown. I found myself hiking alongside a mountain stream punctuated by two impressive and one not-so-impressive waterfalls crashing through a forest of large evergreens. It was a peaceful and enchanting place.

The asking came when I realized that the picture of a tent with a circle-slash over it might apply to me. I inquired at the park manager office and found to my delight that I would be able to camp in certain areas of the park if I wasn't too obnoxious. What could have been merely a beautiful day hike turned to a wonderful solitary experience and some long-overdue time spent with my Creator.

This came on the coattails of procuring three tickets outside the door to a sold-out Jimmy Eat World concert earlier in the week. I had prayed that morning for friends to hang out with and ended up helping out a few friends who also were trying to get tickets. I was thankful to God for working through all things.

The following Sunday rocked me. I found a church. The music made me feel at home (Jars of Clay's "Hymn") and the message was all about God's tough love. He lets us experience the consequences of our actions, even when our actions lead us away from Him. Graciously, He is always there to receive us and help us when we decide to return.

A Random Assortment of Unrelated... stuff

I just got my ticket today for Thanksgiving... in Texas. It's kind of weird that I can go home to Alaska but I'm heading south. I guess that just means there are a bunch of people I love down there. I'm really looking forward to seeing all of them, both family and friends.

It's been weird settling into a city. I find it incredibly easy here to be surrounded by people, but not really know anyone. Acquaintances have always been difficult for me... not quite a stranger, yet not quite a friend. I've always been one for either meaningful relationship, or temporary interaction. On that note, I'm incredibly thankful for moving down here with 9 good friends from last year. Alaska WWAMI rules!!

Today made me realize it's about time to grow up. There were several factors that kind of converged at one time, giving me the epiphany that life requires discipline and determination. It also requires sensitivity to others' needs, and no matter how much I wish everyone would just be open and honest, that's not life. Sometimes, you have to play by societal rules and not take people at their word. You have to play the game of "guess what I'm REALLY thinking." Okay. I give. I'll play.

I realized that so much of the Word talks about us being righteous. Not that we don't have all the freedom in the world, but that application of that freedom looks a lot like legalism. We don't do things because they are rules, but because of how they impact our character and identity. In order to experience true freedom, we cannot separate our actions from our ideals. Everything must work together. Here's where the rubber meets the road.

We have all been given the capacity to do a lot with our lives, the time I have on Earth. I have the freedom to waste that time or to invest that time. I want to use my time wisely, to do well in school, to invest in other people, to serve and to enjoy the world God has given us.

I will never abandon some of my child-like behavior, but I am resolved to abandon childish behavior. I am resolved to give more than I take and to love more than I am loved. That's a tall order, but it's time to grow up.

2 down...

Dermatology and endocrinology.

Fast and furious for a few weeks and those classes are nothing but fond memories. I've finished both of those finals now (passed) and am now sorting out pharmacology, cardiovascular, urinary system and clinical medicine. It's hard to believe that classroom instruction in those areas is done. Sure I'll attend lectures and learn hands-on, but the good majority of my learning in those fields is done.

I feel like some one should come tell me that I haven't learned enough and I'll have to take the classes again. But I passed. And somewhat convincingly.

I'm a little excited about that, and it's nice to move on to new subjects.

That's pretty much it. It's just weird to be finishing classes already.

The final chapter on Daniel (in the Ecuador saga anyway)

Monday, October 1, 2007

Dear All,

As most of you will remember, at 4:30am on Monday, July 2, 2007, I got a phone call that rocked our world. I assumed it was from Africa where Eddie was doing mission work in Chimala, Tanzania with his brother Bill and Bill's wife, Cyndi. Instead I was stunned to hear it was Ross Baldwin in South America where he and our son Daniel were doing mission work in Ecuador. Ross was calling to tell me that Daniel was going to be ok, he had been shot in the stomach a couple of hours ago and was in surgery at that time. After a brief conversation (what is there to say at a time like that?) I prayed with Ross, especially asking for Daniel's complete recovery.

Well, we are more than grateful to our God above to say that our prayers (and yours) have been answered in a mighty way. Daniel headed out with the majority of his earthly belonging in his black Hyundai (that he is going to work on buying back from us -- its a long story) from Arlington after eating spicy Mexican food with Eddie and I at Taco Cabana at 1:30pm today. He headed to his new place to live in Abilene,Texas, almost exactly 3 months from that life changing day in July. After 3 surgeries and many adventures, we believe only 3 months is an incredible recovery.

Why now? We are so thankful to say that Daniel had his last medical visit on Thursday. The hole in his back has healed. His shingles healed up weeks ago. He is completely released from all doctors. Praise God for that. In fact, the medical supply people had UPS pick up his Wound VAC ( a.k.a. man purse) today. And he bragged a couple of days ago that the only medication he is taking is multiple vitamins (name brand, not generic, Dr. Hendrickson).

This has been an incredible saga. And we have been incredibly blessed. In some ways much of it seems like a blur now. But in other ways it is very, very real. To say it has been challenging is an understatement. But with all the struggles have come so many lessons learned and lives blessed. And of course, all that is important on an earthly level is that Daniel's prognosis is complete recovery with absolutely no aftereffects. Although he has much of his strength back compared to where he was in July, he still has to take some things easy. No heavy lifting, of course. He walks with a little bit of a hunch due to his abdominal muscles being weak. But he is still taller than most of us at 6'3" --hunch or no hunch. He is working on getting back into shape with long walks (do you walk 3 miles several times a week?). The doctors say it will be a year before he has all his strength back but he is released to do whatever he feels like. Some things still hurt, like jogging and sneezing. But he is coping well. Since he can't jog his Dad got one of his bikes adjusted for Daniel to take to Abilene. And Daniel informed us the other day that if you blow your nose when you feel like you might sneeze, the latter can sometimes be avoided.

What's in Abilene? A job soon, hopefully. He has applied for several hoping to use his business degree if that works out. Also there is a great support group of friends. Plus, his brother Jonathan, who lives in Lubbock is working on getting a computer job there so they can share a small, 2 bedroom rent house. Interestingly, both boys felt led to move to Abilene without knowing the other was going to move there. When Jonathan found out Daniel was moving there, that cinched the deal. Jonathan had already applied for jobs there. (Remember our family doesn't believe in coincidences.) So Daniel has made it to Abilene slightly sooner than Jonathan. As parents, we are very pleased with this development. Both are godly young men looking forward to serving the Lord in whatever ways He desires. They are like-minded in ways but very different in other ways so there will be lots of "iron sharpening iron" moments. Jonathan, who is younger by 17 months, just stresses he has put in his time and he won't share a room with his brother! Fourteen years was enough for him. So, it seems this is the answer to why Daniel didn't get to move to Seattle at the first of September as we had prayed. God had other plans as Daniel has noted in his blog.

Besides praising God, we can't say thank you enough to each of you for your love, concern, encouraging words, and many acts of kindness, such as bringing us dinner on many occasions. Also, thank you so much to those of you who contributed to Daniel's medical expenses. And of course, we are deeply thankful for all the prayers. We have been lifted up so many times. During the dark moments, God used so many of you to keep us going -- and looking up. This may sound goofy, but I am so thankful to live in the modern age where we have email to communicate to and be communicated with. Both were vital throughout the last three months. And the cards have been an intricate part of Daniel's healing as well as our encouragement. It was fun to watch Daniel look for the mail each day, anticipating if he would get any cards, as he often did. Thank you all.

Eddie and I are thankful for the care we received from so many with whom we work. When the going gets tough it is amazing how people come through and you can see how they deeply care about you. Church family has been awesome -- those from Pleasant Ridge and North Davis, from churches in Alaska and from churches many other places. We have felt your prayers. We are truly blessed. And of course there is earthly family. I can't express all the things you have done, from staying in the hospital overnight, to regular phone calls and cards and much more. Thank you for being there for us. Of course Sara Ann, who moved to Crowley, Texas, two weeks ago, gave up her summer for her brother. Thank you Baby.

So the saga that started in Ecuador 3 months ago on a potentially very low note ends on a high note today. I have continually prayed we will never be the same. In many ways things are back to normal. In only the last couple of weeks we have engaged in some things in life that we had not since before July 2nd (who cares to go to a bunch of social activities or the mall for that matter when these things happen?). Yet in other ways life seems changed forever. Some things that seemed important or irritating just don't seem to matter as much now. We are thankful Daniel has had this experience and look forward to how God will use it in his life in the years to come. In fact, Daniel told me before he ever left for Ecuador that he sensed that God was going to allow him to be in danger during his life. After Ecuador happened though, he said he never expected it to include getting shot! So we won't be surprised if more danger lies ahead. And we don't worry about that (Matthew 6:34). We just live our lives today and look for God to be God.

So today, prayers of thanksgiving. Prayers of awe to God for his abundance and love. And prayers confessing our weakness and moment by moment need for a loving Savior and friend. In crisis moments it is easier to rely on God. I pray that for you today you will rely on God if you are in a big crisis, a small crisis or no crisis at all. Its an awesome life to live (II Cor 1:8-11). God, forgive each of us when we forget that.

Again, thank you for your interest and concern. We are deeply humbled by your love! May God richly bless you and yours.

We are grateful to say that at the Stinson household, the saga has ended.

Love,
Eddie, Marilyn, Sara Ann, Daniel and Jonathan