Grace

I cannot even begin to explain how refreshing Christmas Break was for me. I've expressed frustration with words like "awesome," "amazing," and "incredible" before and this is no exception. In light of their insufficiency, I will resort to expressions such as life-giving. restorative. nostalgic. heart-warming. spiritually filling. enlightening. and emotionally fusing. In short, being surrounded by people who know me deeply and understand and share the things most important to me reminded me of who I am.

I can't describe each facet of this restoration, but a different need of mine was met in Anchorage, in Girdwood and in Kenai. If you'd like the details, I guess you'll just have to ask. I'd be more than happy to share but I anticipate an inverse relationships between the length of a blog and the number of people who finish reading it.

The heart of what I want to say and what I experienced.

You cannot choose your actions independently of outside influence. We make choices daily that demonstrate what is in our heart. Sometimes we love what we do, sometimes we don't. How is it that we do things we dislike? It's counterintuitive. It is the core of who we are, our heart, that dictates the choices we make, despite our thick rationalization and heavy brooding.

How then do we have any amount of say into what happens to us? How can a man choose his course in life? Or even in one day?

By grace alone.

Most of what I'm saying was revealed to my dear brother Adam after intense study and prayer and seeking after wisdom from God. Through revelation, he challenged my understanding of grace and what it meant before we Hallmarked* it. I did a quick search just now and found a website with an awesome description: In most of the passages, however, in which the word "charis" [grace] is used in the New Testament, it signifies the unmerited operation of God in the heart of man, affected through the agency of the Holy Spirit.

Simply, grace is the direct influence of God upon our hearts.

We may not be able to control our decisions as much as we would like to, but we have a great deal of control over what we allow to influence our hearts. Our hearts may remain wild and untamed, subject to whim and circumstance, but they will be shaped into the image of that which influences them.

For those who don't yet know God, this still leaves an important principle dictating that we pour into our hearts that which we wish to become. What source is worthy of emulating? Who can we look to in perfect admiration?

To truly shine, we only need ask for grace to become more like the Holy One. He is faithful and eagerly awaiting those who desire to know Him.

An unlikely source to leave a lingering thought, but fitting nonetheless, Bloc Party's "The Prayer:"

Lord give me grace and dancing feet...





*the act of Hallmarking is where you take something beautiful and mysterious and reduce it to warm platitudes often expressed on cheesy cards that cost six dollars.

Seeing beyond

#1 question asked to me since returning to Alaska: "How do you like living in Seattle??"

The frequency of that question has allowed me to explore the many (accurate) responses I can provide to that question:

"It's great! There's always something going on!"
"I'm not much of a city guy, but as far as cities go, Seattle is pretty cool."
"I miss Alaska and I'm excited to get back up here."
"It's been tough living in a huge, pagan city."

Ooh, that last one sounded a little judgmental. But let's remember, this blog is about ME, not about everyone else. And I'M using those terms to describe a culture moving away from Christian majority influence. So before getting all huffy with me for calling Seattle "pagan" (and I know that's a generalization), consider that not all "Christians" necessarily like being pegged as a "Christian." I digress.

That discussion is NOT what this is about, but sets the stage for it.

If a car starts running out of oil, it basically freezes up with no warning signs except for a possible decline on some obscure gauge on the dash. I like to think that the Holy Spirit is kind of like that for me. And living in Seattle, I started running dry.

Since coming back up here, I have been surrounded by men and women of faith moving forward in their lives with Christ, walking in faith and power. Geez, I'd reduced the Gospel to simple logic and principle and forgotten all the good stuff!! God has reminded me that He is not just a thought, but that in seeking Him we learn who He is and we are filled! I may not be able to argue my way out of a paper bag, but I have experienced God, and He has chosen the weak things of this world to shame the strong. I count myself among the weak, as one unable to sustain myself.

It feels so good.

After realizing all this, I have a new response in my repertoire: Gratefulness.

I am thankful first of all for my friends down there. I have learned so much from them and shared some great times! I'm looking forward to continuing to get to know people and to meeting new people and all that fun stuff.

I am super excited to learn all the great stuff coming up in school and no matter what anyone else says, I DON'T hate school, I'm NOT sick of learning and some of the lectures are actually GOOD.

I'm really grateful for my church down there, for learning and growing and being filled. I look forward to getting more involved with them and hopefully having something to offer.

I'm ready to start skiing. So far, it's been mostly talk, but now that the snow has arrived, it's time to get down to business and lay down some tracks. Let's rip it up.

I love having awesome people to climb with too.

This was a good thing to write. I'm getting pumped up to be back in Seattle. Right now though, it's time to go hang out with the fam.

7 Things You Will Never Hear Me Say

Figured this blog needed to lighten up a little bit, get outside and have a little fun, so in response to Annie's challenge, without further ado...

1. "So when I was running this marathon..." I really admire people who can subject themselves to that kind of torture. Really. But the idea of running for the sake of running basically gives me mental cramps. It hurts to even think about it. I'd be happy to pass out water to my friends at marathons, but I'll content myself with running after soccer balls and propelling myself down mountains at high rates of speed.

2. "I could never date her, she's way too feisty." There's this dirty rumor going around that all guys who follow Jesus want nice Christian girls who are sweet, pleasant and follow the rules. Society has trained me to think that way too, but when I'm really honest with myself, I was a fireball, a girl who is playful, passionate, fully alive and free.

3. "That song had too many rockin' guitar solos." It's practically the sweetest thing in the world when some guy just rallies his guitar in the middle of a song. You can tell when a guy knows his guitar, because he makes her sing and it's so dang sweet. Conversely, I hate crappy solos when the lead guy can barely put 4 notes together.

4. "No, I'd never go to ______. That place is too poor/dirty/scary." Seriously. I have this great longing to go to the poor and dirty and scary parts of the world and love people. It is so much easier to show love to people when no one else does, because they are so dang receptive to it. I'm still trying to live that desire out more practically. Stay tuned, work in progress.

5. "Gross." I hate it when you're about to sink your teeth into some delicious bit of tastiness and then some goober at the table informs you that what you're about to immensely enjoy is actually disgusting and loathsome. Jerk. Go eat a tub full of butter and watch me not say a single word. If I ever say "Gross," I'm totally joking.

6. "Let's get online and watch movies previews!!!" There was a time when I enjoyed watching movie previews. Actually, that's a complete lie. They are the worst thing ever invented. Good idea: "Let's suck people in so they want to go watch the movie." Bad idea: "Let's tell the whole story and put all the funny parts in a preview to make people wish they could have their money back when they actually fall for our devious plot." People who talk about what happens in a movie you really want to see should have their tongues removed.

7. "Nope, can't go, gotta watch the big game." Given the option between playing sports and watching sports, it's a no-brainer. I really wish that I liked watching sports. It would give me something to talk about with people who do. I'm not entirely opposed to it even, I just can't bring myself to sit down and watch "the game" unless I'm actively hanging out with some one I care about. Then, it's okay.

Oppression through $$$

One of the perks of medical school is being constantly surrounded by brilliant people who have had very different life experiences than I. When we get together, we have such different things to bring to the table, and fiery, but friendly, discussions can ensue. A few of us really get into social issues and trying to predict the best ways to take care of the poor, the outcasts and the disabled. I'd just like to credit my wonderful friends for spurring and shaping the following thoughts.

Voting is a small way we can provide direction for our country, care for the underserved and have a hand in many social issues concurrently. However, there is a better way.

Every purchase I make is a vote. Whether I'm voting for one particular restaurant over another, or one particular clothing company, or one particular record label, I cast my vote with my 3"x2" chunk of plastic daily. Even which chunk of plastic I choose casts a vote.

I implicitly imply with each vote the business practices I approve of. Recently, Gap took action to stop child labor practices in several of its overseas factories, but that leaves you wondering... how could a commercial giant like this be employing sweatshops in 2007 to begin with?? I like Gap clothing, but by some of the purchases I have made, my money has been used to propagate the oppression of children in foreign countries.

As an alternative, I could have voted for Patagonia. They have been acclaimed for their efforts to protect the environment through responsible business practices, yet they still turn out quality products. Oh, and they are frequently acclaimed for working to ensure fair employment, not just for their own workers, but for other companies as well.

My point here isn't to knock Gap or prop up Patagonia, but to point out that who you buy from matters. If customers demanded that their products be made by fairly-paid and fairly-treated workers, no business that oppressed its workers could survive.

Here are a few resources to help inform your vote:

Do The Right Thing - A conglomerate blog on some of the top companies
Business & Human Rights - Great site for checking up on your favorite companies
Human Rights USA - activist company with regular news releases... check out what they say about Yahoo!

If I run into any others, I'll try to post them here.

I'll leave you with this:

"Do not oppress foreigners in any way. Remember, you yourselves were once foreigners in the land of Egypt." - Exodus 22:21

"Those who oppress the poor insult their Maker, but those who help the poor honor him." - Proverbs 14:31

"At that time I will put you on trial. I will be a ready witness against all sorcerers and adulterers and liars. I will speak against those who cheat employees of their wages, who oppress widows and orphans, or who deprive the foreigners living among you of justice, for these people do not fear me," says the LORD Almighty." - Malachi 3:5

"Tell them to use their money to do good. They should be rich in good works and should give generously to those in need, always being ready to share with others whatever God has given them." - I Timothy 6:17

A True Wannabe

We used to sing a little song in church growing up that was probably called "When I grow up..." It went something like this:

When I grow up, I want to be... (vigorous clapping)
I want to beeee a [insert profession here, i.e. doctor]
And if I am, I'm going to be... (more vigorous clapping)
A [doctor] whoooo's a Christian!!

Repeat as necessary to include all the dreams of the little kids in the group. Pretty sure we had cowboys, football players, firemen... you know, the usual suspects. Now despite "The Organization's" attempts to indoctrinate (pun, oops!) me, I've realized something recently.

My goal in life is not to become a good Christian whatever.

That is selling Christ so incredibly short and putting way too many blinders on the diversity and beauty of life. I was reading this morning about Mary and Martha's responses to Jesus being at their house. Martha was being the "good Christian woman" preparing food, cleaning the kitchen, setting the table, making sure all the kids were dressed appropriately, you know, because they had company. She got all hacked off at Mary who was in there lazing around listening to God speak.

Now this isn't to denigrate any of the aforementioned activities. I've been raised to have a large amount of respect for anyone who can cook, clean, organize, raise and coordinate, and even aspire to most of those things myself. The point here is the timing and the attitude toward God.

Fascination with people and Truth and full attentiveness to the ways in which God is moving in the world are all qualities that I desire much more than living by the norms. Sure, I want to have people over and cook for them, but when there is a precious moment to be shared, I also want to be the first one out of the kitchen.

This is where I tie it all together.

Some day, I'm hopefully going to be a doctor. Some day a patient is going to come in on the verge of tears wanting desperately just to talk and having no where else to turn. Efficiency, economy and propriety dictate that I take care of his/her medical concern and leave the emotional stuff to some one more qualified. This unnamed principle I've been pondering dictates that I drop everything else, reschedule my other patients and take the time to sit down and just allow some one to pour out there heart, giving them my full attention. I think that unnamed principle is called love.

When I grow up, I want to be, oh I want to be a doctor who is a passionate lover of people.

Physicianhood...ish. Part 2...ish

Every time I propose a brilliant theory for how life works, it gets tragically shot down... usually by me and before anyone else gets a chance. By the wonder of technology, I can now project a hint of what goes on internally to my friends or whoever searches for "Ross Baldwin" on Google. Try it. Top ten baby. Those other Ross Baldwins are going down.

I ran into a mental middle linebacker at the end of my last post. After establishing the core of who I am and my driving forces, I had a hard time coming up with anything intelligent to add. And because I can squeeze meaning out of anything, I figured out what that means. Here's my next attempt at explaining what should be better left to sociologists.

I detest and suck at (ATTENTION: Please leave a comment with a better word that can be used actively here, I'm failing to think of one and feel that it would be a valuable addition to my regular vocabulary) forecasting, and currently, I equate not forecasting with trusting God. I have a difficult time imagining what struggles I will face as a physician in the future. It's hard for me to worry about things, not because there aren't valid concerns, but because I sincerely have a hard time conceiving of unfavorable circumstances. Huh.

I don't know how to go about changing that, and I'm not entirely convinced that I should, except when it inconveniences others. Here's what I can, and daily attempt to, do:

I can shape who I am right now by the ideals insisted upon by my core values. That's what I do instinctively and it is where God meets me. If I say I want to be a physician who loves kindness, I need to love kindness. Here's a thought: I should treat my practice patients the way I want to eventually treat my actual patients. I should take off a weekend and go climbing every once in a while, but more often, I should give until there's nothing left, then give some more. I should do things not for the pleasure they bring me, but for the glory they bring God. I should wake up each day with the knowledge that love starts over at midnight, and it's a brand new day to show God and the people around me how much I love them. And always pressing on, to run in such a way that I will attain the prize, and never looking back.

And if something is going on that's not quite right, I should change it.

I heard an OUTSTANDING word this week (and actually, every week since I started going to Bethany and I'm not saying that lightly). Over the past month, the guy has systematically described what has happened to me over the last year up to where I am now and then rendered a God-centered view of how it has shaped me into a more faithful, humble and loving human. This week, I heard that no trend can replace Christ. Not the power of the Spirit, not social justice, not rocking worship music. It all comes back to Christ and if it doesn't, it starts feeling really hollow really fast. I identified with his bad examples in way too many ways. On the plus side, I heard how God continually peels back layers of defense and callousness to make us more valuable tools in His hands, and if we respond in faith to this painful process, we grow immensely...

"If you keep yourself pure, you will be a tool God can use for His purpose."

cool

A Reflection on "Physicianhood" - Part 1

So this is actually an assignment that we are completing in the South Campus Center as a small group. We just sat through a couple hours of lecture on "Physicianhood," which is basically all the gushy, emotional stuff attached to taking care of yourself and achieving "balance" as a physician. There were a lot of ideals put forward from the agnostic science-driven perspective about everyone's needs for love and approval and all that, and now I'm reflecting on what that means to me personally. Okay, end intro, here goes.

Christ is central to my life. Not central in the sense that I'm a Jesus superfan that goes to all His games and buys all his T-shirts and always bets on Him in the World Championships or whatever. Rather, He is central in the sense that my life is contingent upon His and that there is a flow that begins in Him that sustains and emboldens me. All of my philosophy, my "core values," and motivations derive directly from my understanding and knowledge of Him. This is not a convenient extract of a philosophy that I base on personal needs, but rather a realty that defines and reshapes my identity as I come to experience it more deeply.

So what do I do with all that? I'm more asking myself that than posing a brilliant rhetorical question. It means that my ideals as a physician, the standards to which I aspire, are not rooted in the values held by the medical community at large, nor even in my own personal beliefs and desires, but rather my ideals flourish where the Word has been revealed to the world. This is all very high-sounding talk simply to say that what God through Christ wants is what I want, even when I don't (temporarily) want it.

Some questions from the reflections paper we got:

What are your core personal values?

Rather than thinking about what pleases and motivates me most, I can respond with simplicity:

• Love.

More specifically:

• Seeking justice in the world I find myself in
• Delighting myself in kindness
• Recognizing my true strength and my true weakness in light of the glory of God.

I have not yet attained realization of those core values in my daily life, but to them I aspire and I persist.

After establishing such a base, my picture of physicianhood paints itself.

Physicianhood means committing everything I am and have to God and to the principles set forward by Him and learning how to share the light that I have with those around me, being Christ to a broken world.

Outro

I plan to finish up this writing assignment over the next few weeks to months, and I'll plan to post it up here as it takes shape.