Mistakes

That feeling where your stomach drops out from under you, indicating that melting into the ground and out of existence would be preferable to exerting the strength to remain standing... yeah, I get that. Vivid images flash through my mind... snapshots of my past forever mentally preserved by the sheer impact of their arrivals. Time is a great analgesic, but despite the transition from sharp to dull, the pain remains.

Envisioning the next shot of sorrow directly dependent on my choices could paralyze me. Indeed, the aftermath of a single incident is near crippling. However, accumulating the combined weight of my future failures in the present borders on insanity. To achieve peace in the face of such opposition, I become mindful of the words of my Master.

Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern. So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.

I don't understand how to manage my impending mistakes, but the one who made me understands life much more deeply than I do. When I accept the reality that He offers, I lose the motivations of guilt and fear and can confidently move forward in love and thankfulness. This is not a ploy to shirk responsibility, but to embrace my own limitations as a necessary state of my dependence on the unlimited one. In Him I find mercy for my mistakes and stern admonition to be His hands and feet to those in a broken world.

I share in the sorrow of those I hurt. And I will hurt many in my life. As my character grows more and more like that of God, and my medical knowledge increases in depth and breadth, and my judgment and wisdom gain firm holds on my heart, I will learn to do less damage and do more good. But in this life, I will always be limited.

By the grace of God, I have the blessing to recognize my own weakness and fallibility. By the love of God, I am forgiven because He he taken the burden of guilt upon Himself.

Now all that I have to do is really believe that.