Intern Year
Intern year ended a little over a month ago and already I'm caught up in the bustle and newness of being a junior resident. I had intended to write some reflections on the year earlier, but am just now finding the time to sit down and really reflect on the importance of what has happened to me over the last year. Briefly summarized, I have seen over the last year that the time for me to grow up has finally come.
I entered residency cautiously confident, believing that I had been adequately prepared, that I had much to learn and that I would do the right things at the right times. Over the course of a year, through poor decisions, false perceptions and inadequate knowledge, I have learned that the complexities and intricacies of dealing with sick people are beyond me. The year was a cycle of gaining ability and confidence only to be forcibly reminded of my inability by sobering mistakes.
The need for help
Self-deprecation is not my goal in writing, for I sincerely believe that I will develop into a capable, even possibly excellent, surgeon and doctor; however, I have not yet arrived. Despite my constant desire to question the edicts dispatched by my superiors, I now trust that I need their guidance and teaching more than ever. Many of my mistakes could have been avoided if I had asked for help sooner rather than later.
The need for caution
I sincerely believe that things will turn out for the best in all circumstances. Whether this is a byproduct of my upbringing, a facet of my faith in God, or simply a hopeful desire, I do not know, but while a joyful and good character trait, it can predispose to danger. The truth is that things don't always turn out for the best, particularly when dealing with sick people. Sometimes they take a turn for the worst possible outcome and my work is to guard against that possibility, even while hoping for the best.
The need for discipline
Now this is what I mean by growing up: Not giving up joyfulness and excitement and adventure, but by recognizing the proper time and place for such things. My last post hints at this, but explicitly, I can't achieve excellence on talent alone. To truly love my patients requires sacrifice. To truly love God requires sacrifice. To that end, there are days when I will want to go play, but when duty necessitates discipline and study. There are countless mornings when I want 10 more minutes of sleep but when dedication to God demands that I get my butt out of bed and spend some time in prayer and in the Word before I am ready to face the day.
The need for humility
All the above culminate in a concerted effort to take myself out of the middle. The tendency toward an attitude of self-preservation is so strong in residency that it can overwhelm all other desires and dreams, but it is not an unconquerable urge. When I stop trying to take care of myself, every controversy above resolves and the need for sustained effort transitions seamlessly to an outpouring of other-centered goodness. The only way I can practically achieve this in my mind and in my life is to be fully confident that in neglecting myself, God will provide. In fact, this is the challenge to believers for generations past and will continue to challenge us for as long as the war between selfish desire rages against love.
Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus EVERY KNEE WILL BOW, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
