Defervescing

Not only is defervescing one of my new favorite words, but it's actually pretty descriptive for my life right now. Since my last post, things have settled down a little here in Pocatello. I'm starting to catch on to the rotation and getting more comfortable operating as a 3rd year medical student. I still screw up on a daily basis, you know, the kinda thing where as soon as you open your mouth, you realize the words coming out of it don't actually make sense. But all in all, things are feeling just a little less feverish.

I'm a little more settled into a routine and getting used to 6-7 hours of sleep. This was a slower week, which wasn't great for learning, but allowed me a chance to get my feet back under me after a long run of not being really settled. Hey, I even went rock climbing!

In the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), we have a status for babies who are in the clear and developing as they should be. They're called "Feeder/Growers" and that's a good thing. It means all their systems are working right, and the only thing they have to do is keep eating, digesting and storing away energy as they develop. Yep, that sounds familiar. Lovin' it.

Laying Down My Life

On the receding end of one of the most intense weeks of my life, I, needless to say, have a few things I've been thinking that I'd like to get into words. The last few months have felt a little like sitting in a sauna where some one kept turning the heat up a little bit at a time, culminating with taking boards.

Hitting the hospital/clinic this week was my analogous experience to jumping into a huge pile of snow after sweating in the sauna for a few hours.

It was exhilarating. It was unexpected. It was really freakin' hard. I kind of want to do it again.

I'm not much of a morning person, but we start our day around 7, which might not sound THAT early, but it is. I actually got up at 5:30am one day this week for the first time that didn't involve fun in I don't know how long. I'm used to getting lots of sleep and on my 2 call days this week I didn't get home from work until 11 or 12. You do the math. I actually did pretty okay with the sleepiness cause everything was new and exciting and REAL.

Talking about patients specifically is not ok, but I do want to share a cross-section of the kind of stuff I'm seeing. I'm working on a pediatrics rotation, so none of the patients I've seen have been 18 or older, so it's little kids and young teens I've been seeing. I've seen cases of possible pregnant teens having to weigh the moral consequences of the morning-after pill against the possibility of having a child before graduating high school. I've seen children hearing that they have a life-threatening illness and won't get to be normal kids for years to come. I've seen brand new babies with life-threatening illness that I can't confidently say whether they still live as I write this.

There's more, but it's hard to share without giving too many details. As I finally caught my breath this weekend, I started to ask myself the natural questions, like "What am I doing?" "Am I even competent to do this?" "Do I really want to spend the majority of my life indoors?" "Do I really want to live like this?"

The answer came to me on my knees in the shower this morning. As I contrasted the life that I could pursue of adventure, recreation, travel and self-indulgence with a life of a physician, I realized that the one is focused on self, while the latter is focused on others. When I was called to this profession, it was not because it would bring me fulfillment, but because it would ease the suffering of others. And through that, I would find fulfillment and peace with God.

We studied the story of the rich young ruler (Matthew 19) on a Wednesday night when I was home in Kenai. He asked what he must do to be perfect and Jesus told him to sell everything and give to the poor. While we can never life up to perfection, walking with God involves taking steps toward him, and at this point in my life, I've realized that laying down myself and trusting God is the step. I'm not doing this because it makes the most sense or because I think right now it will make my life the easiest. But I know without a doubt that I will be burdened in this life and the burden that I am going to choose will be the light one that Christ offers rather than the unbearable weight of attempting to hang on to my life and wring the last drops of joy out of every experience. I will be content in what is before me and be full because I am allowing God to fill me by walking with Him rather than attempting to forge my own road.

When I truly submit to Him, there is no room for jealousy or cynicism or regret and all the room in the world for love and joy.

Friday night found me at my cousin's house in Blackfoot, a 30 minute drive from Pocatello, watching Pierce Pettis soulfully hypnotize the audience and myself with songs of honesty as he and his guitar spoke the truth about what they have seen and heard in this life. It was one of those moments that transcends our daily experience and reminds us of those other connected times that dance on the periphery of our memory waiting to be recalled. For me, those times have been centered on and surrounded by and saturated with the presence of God and reflecting His glory back to Him with the knowledge that you are exactly in the right place, doing exactly what you've always known you were meant for. So now, I can't wait for Monday.

Independence

Quite fitting that on July 4th, I finally feel like I am yet again independent... kind of.

Quick summary of what my last month has consisted of:

Early June: cramming parts together in some semblance of a vegetable oil burning conversion for Stacey, trying to pack up, get everything NOT being packed disposed of and trying to be a decent human being at the same time.

Less-early June: leaving a few things behind, JR and I jumped in Stacey and began the trek through Canada to the homeland. The link is JR's account of the adventure w/pictures.


Junish: There were rumors of my presence in Anchorage and Girdwood for a few days, then I disappeared from society for two weeks. Some surmise that I was inventing a toaster oven that never burns toast, but in reality I was cramming information into my head at alarming rates. I took a brief break when I realized that my graduating class had reinvaded Kenai for the weekend:

Early July: D-Day. Both the day of Step 1 of the United States Medical Licensing Exam and the 1 year anniversay of Daniel getting shot in Ecuador. A wry irony. The next day, I packed my bag in Kenai, tied up a few loose ends and headed out for Seattle and Idaho.

I'm now in Seattle, finally relaxing. Ahhhhh.

Being back in Alaska was AWESOME. And I love it a ton. I always forget how great it is being there until I get back. No place like it.

Since being alone and back home, I've been doing a lot of remembering. Remembering who I am, who I have been and who I've wanted to grow into. It involved some checking in with myself to see if I'm living up to the man that I was hoping to be at this point. In some ways, yes, in some ways, no. I believe that God is steering me down the right paths right now and that His grace is enough to get me through the rough patches. I felt his presense with me strongly taking my giant test and was reminded that the only thing keeping me from that assurance all the time is my own attentiveness. So I'm ready to enter the wards of 3rd year with full confidence in the God who has brough me this far. He has been faithful and kept His promises and I LOVE Him for it.

Before signing off, I would be no kind of uncle if I didn't show off a couple pictures of my NEW NEPHEWS!!! I present to you: Carson Richard Hawes

and Jeffrey Dane Hultberg:
They're WAY cuter in real life, but these were the only shots I had handy. I am incredibly blessed.

Catching up: A Birthday Extravaganza

I'm sitting in a hotel room in Fort Nelson, Canada and have no restraints on my time right now because Stacey is across the street waiting to get her exhaust leak fixed. Ahh, the joys of owning an old vehicle. At least the ride from here on out should be quieter. I've been meaning to write about my birthday since... my birthday... because it was awesome.

I woke up to a soft knock followed by a soft voice and a slow opening of my bedroom door. Attached to that knock was a hand now carrying a tray full of morning goodness. Scrambled eggs with onions, bacon, fresh tomato and avocado cut over the top, sourdough french toast with real maple syrup, bacon and a whole grapefruit just for me. A quiet happy birthday singing greeted me, some couple-y words and I was left to eat my breakfast in bed. Truly royal treatment. Apparently, it's tradition in her family's household that the birthday recipient gets mandatory breakfast in bed. That's a good tradition.

So I got to spend part of my morning with an amazing girl, a treat in and of itself. She took off about her day and I got down to business. I had a mission. Stacey waited patiently in the driveway and I set to her with a fury known to few men, those who undertake working on their own vehicles in a time crunch. By lunchtime, I was ready for a break, and was pleasantly picked up by my friend Teja. She brought me over to Sage Cottage, a home I have come to dearly love, where Xavi awaited me with an amazing chocolate cake baked with Fair Trade chocolate. Sarah Reed, I salute you and simultaneously get flying-hugged (I owe you one or six for the cake).

They graciously took me by the auto parts store as I was rideless before going to lunch at Nana's and getting some more deliciousness in the form of grilled sandwiches (we ate cake before lunch cause it was MY BIRTHDAY). They dropped me off and I was back at it, with plans to look nice and meet up with the Alaska crew by 7pm. Well, 7pm rolled around and I was still grubbing around in the car with Greta looking exceptionally cute and ready to go. I ran inside, scrubbed up real quick and made it out to Chandler's Crabshack on Lake Union just late enough to be annoying, but not so late that everyone left. We had a spectacular dinner overlooking Lake Union as the sun was going down. The windows in the room opened up the whole view to me from my seat. I again got my hands grubby, but this time breaking apart crab and mussels and all kinds of good things. Dinner was great and the company was better. Capped off with a glass of Cote du Rhone syrah and a chocolatey, gooey birthday cake.

We made a final stop at the Duchess to grab after-party drinks and meet up with a couple more friends... and have cake one more time. What a day. Driving home, I couldn't remember a better birthday... everything that I had wanted and more. Good friends, good food and time for doing exactly what I wanted to. Thank you, God, for an amazing birthday.

Exploding Little Men

There's a little man in our backyard right now, and I'm a little worried that he's going to blow up any minute now. This isn't some kind of euphemism or anything like that. He's mowing our yard. And I have two open gas tanks sitting back there.

I don't really know where he came from or WHY he's mowing our yard in particular... maybe he works for the realtor? He's wearing one of those bucket hats that were all so popular in late middle school/early high school. I kind of wonder how he got to be where he is and all that, but I'm mostly just concerned that he doesn't blow up. I also recently (aka this morning before he started mowing back there) dumped gasoline on some weeds to kill them. Just thought I'd share.

Back to studying/working on Stacey.

Hurdles

Just finished my OCP... that's Oral Case Presentation to the layman. I'm sitting in an art-deco meets preschool 5th floor lounge set aside for the few, the proud, the classroom-bound medical students. I should be reworking my pharm cases, but I wanted to blog.

Hurdles. Hurdles define this year for me. I only actually tried running hurdles once or twice in middle school, but from what I remember, it goes something like this:

1. start running as fast as you can
2. realized there is a big metal thing in your way
3. awkwardly jump over it and try not to wipe out on the landing
4. realize you're still alive, upright and still propelling forward
5. repeat

As much as anyone enjoys running hurdles, everyone has a breaking point where they wear out. You have to stop, catch your breath, reflect, refresh and possibly regurgitate, before starting the next race. I mostly have felt this year that I was in the middle of the race: sprint, leap, land, repeat without much of a chance to catch my breath. Some of the hurdles were great: Spring Break skiing, a plethora of live musical performances, dinner with friends, parties, church... all good things... still hurdles.

I cherish the moments when I can lose myself in the moment and embrace the vigor of the race as lively and intense. Hanging from a rock wall, exploding a pocket of powder, absorbing full auditory and visual stimulation, savoring an exquisite taste... Flashes of full engagement. But even more do I enjoy the moments when I can look the next hurdle in the face with nonsensical peace and calmly engage in this path that has been chosen. I lost that feeling for a while this year, but was then reminded of the incredible power I have when I fall to the ground with my hands lifted up to my most gracious Father. Thank you.

The Gospel of the Birdcall of 9

Let me introduce this post in the most appropriate of post-introducing ways:

KA-REEEEER!!!!!

If you have no idea what that means, I'm sorry, for I feel that I have failed both you and those who have gone before me in the way of the Gospel of the Birdcall of 9. Please forgive me. For those who know EXACTLY what that means and all that it entails, I beg your forgiveness as well, for I have forgotten my past and that which has molded me.

I was riding my bike along the Burke-Gilman trail as I was on my way to class this morning. I spied, on the other side of Sand Point Way, a parallel friend strolling on her way to class. I wanted to get her attention and simultaneously tell her that I appreciated her as a friend and that seeing her makes me happy. The noise of the cars on the road, the fleeting nature of the moment and my own hesitation prevented the interaction, thus nipping in the bud the joy that could have been added to the day.

And that's when I remembered. I remembered how life used to be.

Flash back to Texas. It's a beautiful day, the sun is shining, the college students are swarming out of Chapel. And all of a sudden, it comes cracking through the din like a bolt slung by Thor: KA-REEER!!! and you turn, ka-reering in return, before your eyes even make contact, and then they do, and you smile, laugh and go on your way if you're busy, or perhaps stroll over and share the latest on the way to the Bean (school cafeteria).

Coming to a new place, leaving behind friends near and dear, the Way of the Birdcall has faded. But today, today I made a new commitment to share with others the Gospel of the Way of the Birdcall. I've told others of the joy of the Birdcall, I've convinced them of its beauty and authenticity at times. At other times, they've merely blown me off, not believing that something so noble could exist, or perhaps twisting the message in their minds and dismissing it as something childish and irrelevant in today's culture.

No longer will I settle for merely speaking of the Birdcall. No longer will I withhold a due birdcall in shame. I must show others the joy of living with the Birdcall. So today, as I crossed over the pedestrian overpass and looked up the street to see the picketers blowing their whistles and waving their signs, I encouraged them with a hearty sound. The man on his cell phone looked at me askance, but I detected a hint of smile in his eyes and knew that his day was better for having been a part of that moment.

I guess you could take this as a spiritual metaphor or whatever. To that, all I have to say is:

KAAAAAAAAA-REEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!