Refreshment

I started this a while ago and never finished it, so now I'm finishing it.

After spending 10 days out on the Alaska Peninsula trying to gun down a moose or a caribou, I'm back in the civilized world counting down the days 'til I leave for Seattle to start my Internal Medicine rotation. I wasn't sure I would be able to say this with confidence when I reached this point, but after recent events, I'm ready to go back to work.

I think the reality of beginning a real profession was hard for me to adjust to at first and taking some time off allowed me to come to terms with the fact that my free time was becoming scarce as a rule. I'm actually pretty okay with the idea of not having a vacation for a while and buckling down to get some real learning done. A quick rundown of my 6 weeks of freedom:

Seattle: a few days to see friends, revisit some of my favorite places, do a little climbing and tie up a few loose ends before heading to Alaska. I quickly realized that hanging around Seattle with all my friends there busy with rotations would not be profitable.

Anchorage: (see: "Seattle" addend "and work and school" to "rotations") I also got to see some great live music courtesy of Marijke and Paul.

being back in both places was excellent, but it's not quite the same being there with nothing to do.

Kenai: Stacey needed some attention, so I spent several days in Kenai attending to her needs, several days basking in the glory of doing nothing and some time preparing for the hunting trips. It was great being back at church and seeing everyone. I heard some great truth that helped realign me with the fact that life isn't always about just basking in the love of God, but that there are times of that, and times where we endure and times where we must seek.

West Forelands: I grew up duck hunting with my dad, it was one of those father-son things that was really special for me. I hadn't been since possibly high school and possibly middle school, and getting back out on the duck flats was a high priority for my time in Alaska. My shooting wasn't what you would call stellar, but I managed to bring a few birds home. That wasn't really the point anyway, but if you've never had wild duck, you're missing out. It was a beautiful trip and an awesome time.

Alaska Peninsula: The big moose/caribou/black bear hunt. My dad has friends who live on Lake Clark in the middle of the Alaska Range and run a flight charter service. They picked us up and dropped us off on a lake out about 40-50 miles from the proposed Pebble Mine. It's rolling hills and spruce forests with willow thickets in the low places. Blueberries galore. Our hunt turned into a camping trip where we spent a good bit of time waiting out storms under shelter. We had steaks, burgers and blueberry pancakes to help us pass the time and I think I finished more novels that the previous 4 years combined. Despite not getting anything, it was great hanging out with my dad and brothers-in-law.


Port Alsworth: As we were unloading the float plane and preparing to hop the plane home, Glen Alsworth Jr. mentioned that if I had time, they could drop me off at a bear camp where they were picking up hunters and try to get a caribou. I jumped at the opportunity obviously and got to spend some great time in Port Alsworth, one of the most beautiful places in the world. The highlight was probably hanging out with the ground crew, an awesome group of 20-somethings who were tons of fun, but more importantly, really encouraged me in my faith and attitude toward God.

Alaska Peninsula: Two days of drenching rains, howling winds and rugged country. No trees out here. One of the ground crew guys, Micah, came out with me to do some small game hunting. Despite the weather, we got out and hiked quite a bit, but only glimpsed a caribou herd from across the valley. By the time we had stalked them and made it to where they had been, they were long gone. It was nice to see something though. I had a lot of time for reflection and prayer out there in the open country and started feeling more like myself than I had in a while. The morning the plane was coming, I got within 400 yards of a lone caribou, but we were on an open plain together and as soon as I began edging closer for a reasonable shot, he sensed danger and was long gone. They're usually not so skittish, but there had been wolves in the area.
Kenai/Anchorage: A few goodbyes and some more awesome truth from the home church and I was ready for Seattle. Truly ready.

I should probably write something

Back in Alaska. In between rotations. Six weeks of pursuits designed to provide pleasure, good company and all that. As we would say in our progress notes for "interim history": no major events. Spent some good time with family, made some vehicle improvements, climbed a mountain, saw friends perform some killer music... good times.

You know, deep thoughts are nice and they have to be confronted at times, but sometimes, it's just pretty nice to enjoy life.

Two Rights Don't Make A Right

I see my life as a series of seasons, each with its own themes, decorations, sounds and thoughts. Entering this season, I prayed that I would truly come to learn, understand and embrace humility. Now part of that is learning to look at myself in an honest light, thinking neither too highly or too lowly of me. In fact, I think it's more about learning to think of me less.

Learning humility takes on many forms, but in my case, it has involved realizing that my own talents and efforts are not always sufficient. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try and how well-equipped I may be, I fail. I think I tend to withhold effort in most of my endeavors so that I always have the mental excuse that I could have avoided failure "if I'd REALLY tried." Sad to say, I have discovered that I can REALLY try, and still come up short.

Along this road, I have begun to take joy in being content in my weakness. If I allowed myself reign to condemn and punish myself for every shortcoming, I would quickly become miserable, yet through failure, I am learning to base my joy in things other than strictly defined "success."

Part of being a third-year medical student is acquiring new skills and knowledge through experience. Clearly, some experiences present themselves frequently while others are more rare and difficult to obtain. It is normal to desire fairness and equality in the distribution of these experiences. In fact, many would say that they have the right to experience the same procedures as every other medical student, and if some one else gets to do something they don't, it is unfair and justifiably unjust.

And just as I'm experiencing this, the voice of God breaks through (in the form of a book called The Shack) and announces to me the ridiculosity of this concept we have of "rights."

We have essentially taken things that we should receive out of love and fashioned rules that we can collapse upon in the event that we are not loved. What a tragedy that such efforts have been made in the past to simply claim what should be freely given. Rights to freedom, rights to a voice, rights to peace. And yet these rules do not and cannot replace what was missing in the first place, instead imposing a rigid framework devoid of warmth with only a token nod affirming that yes, you probably should get this.

How bold and daring we may be should we willingly give up this frantic pursuit of love for ourselves, in both big and small ways, in exchange for the knowledge and security that we are loved already and that the one who loves us is already working for our good. Humility is choosing to stop demanding love and start accepting love on its own terms.

Defervescing

Not only is defervescing one of my new favorite words, but it's actually pretty descriptive for my life right now. Since my last post, things have settled down a little here in Pocatello. I'm starting to catch on to the rotation and getting more comfortable operating as a 3rd year medical student. I still screw up on a daily basis, you know, the kinda thing where as soon as you open your mouth, you realize the words coming out of it don't actually make sense. But all in all, things are feeling just a little less feverish.

I'm a little more settled into a routine and getting used to 6-7 hours of sleep. This was a slower week, which wasn't great for learning, but allowed me a chance to get my feet back under me after a long run of not being really settled. Hey, I even went rock climbing!

In the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), we have a status for babies who are in the clear and developing as they should be. They're called "Feeder/Growers" and that's a good thing. It means all their systems are working right, and the only thing they have to do is keep eating, digesting and storing away energy as they develop. Yep, that sounds familiar. Lovin' it.

Laying Down My Life

On the receding end of one of the most intense weeks of my life, I, needless to say, have a few things I've been thinking that I'd like to get into words. The last few months have felt a little like sitting in a sauna where some one kept turning the heat up a little bit at a time, culminating with taking boards.

Hitting the hospital/clinic this week was my analogous experience to jumping into a huge pile of snow after sweating in the sauna for a few hours.

It was exhilarating. It was unexpected. It was really freakin' hard. I kind of want to do it again.

I'm not much of a morning person, but we start our day around 7, which might not sound THAT early, but it is. I actually got up at 5:30am one day this week for the first time that didn't involve fun in I don't know how long. I'm used to getting lots of sleep and on my 2 call days this week I didn't get home from work until 11 or 12. You do the math. I actually did pretty okay with the sleepiness cause everything was new and exciting and REAL.

Talking about patients specifically is not ok, but I do want to share a cross-section of the kind of stuff I'm seeing. I'm working on a pediatrics rotation, so none of the patients I've seen have been 18 or older, so it's little kids and young teens I've been seeing. I've seen cases of possible pregnant teens having to weigh the moral consequences of the morning-after pill against the possibility of having a child before graduating high school. I've seen children hearing that they have a life-threatening illness and won't get to be normal kids for years to come. I've seen brand new babies with life-threatening illness that I can't confidently say whether they still live as I write this.

There's more, but it's hard to share without giving too many details. As I finally caught my breath this weekend, I started to ask myself the natural questions, like "What am I doing?" "Am I even competent to do this?" "Do I really want to spend the majority of my life indoors?" "Do I really want to live like this?"

The answer came to me on my knees in the shower this morning. As I contrasted the life that I could pursue of adventure, recreation, travel and self-indulgence with a life of a physician, I realized that the one is focused on self, while the latter is focused on others. When I was called to this profession, it was not because it would bring me fulfillment, but because it would ease the suffering of others. And through that, I would find fulfillment and peace with God.

We studied the story of the rich young ruler (Matthew 19) on a Wednesday night when I was home in Kenai. He asked what he must do to be perfect and Jesus told him to sell everything and give to the poor. While we can never life up to perfection, walking with God involves taking steps toward him, and at this point in my life, I've realized that laying down myself and trusting God is the step. I'm not doing this because it makes the most sense or because I think right now it will make my life the easiest. But I know without a doubt that I will be burdened in this life and the burden that I am going to choose will be the light one that Christ offers rather than the unbearable weight of attempting to hang on to my life and wring the last drops of joy out of every experience. I will be content in what is before me and be full because I am allowing God to fill me by walking with Him rather than attempting to forge my own road.

When I truly submit to Him, there is no room for jealousy or cynicism or regret and all the room in the world for love and joy.

Friday night found me at my cousin's house in Blackfoot, a 30 minute drive from Pocatello, watching Pierce Pettis soulfully hypnotize the audience and myself with songs of honesty as he and his guitar spoke the truth about what they have seen and heard in this life. It was one of those moments that transcends our daily experience and reminds us of those other connected times that dance on the periphery of our memory waiting to be recalled. For me, those times have been centered on and surrounded by and saturated with the presence of God and reflecting His glory back to Him with the knowledge that you are exactly in the right place, doing exactly what you've always known you were meant for. So now, I can't wait for Monday.

Independence

Quite fitting that on July 4th, I finally feel like I am yet again independent... kind of.

Quick summary of what my last month has consisted of:

Early June: cramming parts together in some semblance of a vegetable oil burning conversion for Stacey, trying to pack up, get everything NOT being packed disposed of and trying to be a decent human being at the same time.

Less-early June: leaving a few things behind, JR and I jumped in Stacey and began the trek through Canada to the homeland. The link is JR's account of the adventure w/pictures.


Junish: There were rumors of my presence in Anchorage and Girdwood for a few days, then I disappeared from society for two weeks. Some surmise that I was inventing a toaster oven that never burns toast, but in reality I was cramming information into my head at alarming rates. I took a brief break when I realized that my graduating class had reinvaded Kenai for the weekend:

Early July: D-Day. Both the day of Step 1 of the United States Medical Licensing Exam and the 1 year anniversay of Daniel getting shot in Ecuador. A wry irony. The next day, I packed my bag in Kenai, tied up a few loose ends and headed out for Seattle and Idaho.

I'm now in Seattle, finally relaxing. Ahhhhh.

Being back in Alaska was AWESOME. And I love it a ton. I always forget how great it is being there until I get back. No place like it.

Since being alone and back home, I've been doing a lot of remembering. Remembering who I am, who I have been and who I've wanted to grow into. It involved some checking in with myself to see if I'm living up to the man that I was hoping to be at this point. In some ways, yes, in some ways, no. I believe that God is steering me down the right paths right now and that His grace is enough to get me through the rough patches. I felt his presense with me strongly taking my giant test and was reminded that the only thing keeping me from that assurance all the time is my own attentiveness. So I'm ready to enter the wards of 3rd year with full confidence in the God who has brough me this far. He has been faithful and kept His promises and I LOVE Him for it.

Before signing off, I would be no kind of uncle if I didn't show off a couple pictures of my NEW NEPHEWS!!! I present to you: Carson Richard Hawes

and Jeffrey Dane Hultberg:
They're WAY cuter in real life, but these were the only shots I had handy. I am incredibly blessed.

Catching up: A Birthday Extravaganza

I'm sitting in a hotel room in Fort Nelson, Canada and have no restraints on my time right now because Stacey is across the street waiting to get her exhaust leak fixed. Ahh, the joys of owning an old vehicle. At least the ride from here on out should be quieter. I've been meaning to write about my birthday since... my birthday... because it was awesome.

I woke up to a soft knock followed by a soft voice and a slow opening of my bedroom door. Attached to that knock was a hand now carrying a tray full of morning goodness. Scrambled eggs with onions, bacon, fresh tomato and avocado cut over the top, sourdough french toast with real maple syrup, bacon and a whole grapefruit just for me. A quiet happy birthday singing greeted me, some couple-y words and I was left to eat my breakfast in bed. Truly royal treatment. Apparently, it's tradition in her family's household that the birthday recipient gets mandatory breakfast in bed. That's a good tradition.

So I got to spend part of my morning with an amazing girl, a treat in and of itself. She took off about her day and I got down to business. I had a mission. Stacey waited patiently in the driveway and I set to her with a fury known to few men, those who undertake working on their own vehicles in a time crunch. By lunchtime, I was ready for a break, and was pleasantly picked up by my friend Teja. She brought me over to Sage Cottage, a home I have come to dearly love, where Xavi awaited me with an amazing chocolate cake baked with Fair Trade chocolate. Sarah Reed, I salute you and simultaneously get flying-hugged (I owe you one or six for the cake).

They graciously took me by the auto parts store as I was rideless before going to lunch at Nana's and getting some more deliciousness in the form of grilled sandwiches (we ate cake before lunch cause it was MY BIRTHDAY). They dropped me off and I was back at it, with plans to look nice and meet up with the Alaska crew by 7pm. Well, 7pm rolled around and I was still grubbing around in the car with Greta looking exceptionally cute and ready to go. I ran inside, scrubbed up real quick and made it out to Chandler's Crabshack on Lake Union just late enough to be annoying, but not so late that everyone left. We had a spectacular dinner overlooking Lake Union as the sun was going down. The windows in the room opened up the whole view to me from my seat. I again got my hands grubby, but this time breaking apart crab and mussels and all kinds of good things. Dinner was great and the company was better. Capped off with a glass of Cote du Rhone syrah and a chocolatey, gooey birthday cake.

We made a final stop at the Duchess to grab after-party drinks and meet up with a couple more friends... and have cake one more time. What a day. Driving home, I couldn't remember a better birthday... everything that I had wanted and more. Good friends, good food and time for doing exactly what I wanted to. Thank you, God, for an amazing birthday.