Defervescing

Not only is defervescing one of my new favorite words, but it's actually pretty descriptive for my life right now. Since my last post, things have settled down a little here in Pocatello. I'm starting to catch on to the rotation and getting more comfortable operating as a 3rd year medical student. I still screw up on a daily basis, you know, the kinda thing where as soon as you open your mouth, you realize the words coming out of it don't actually make sense. But all in all, things are feeling just a little less feverish.

I'm a little more settled into a routine and getting used to 6-7 hours of sleep. This was a slower week, which wasn't great for learning, but allowed me a chance to get my feet back under me after a long run of not being really settled. Hey, I even went rock climbing!

In the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), we have a status for babies who are in the clear and developing as they should be. They're called "Feeder/Growers" and that's a good thing. It means all their systems are working right, and the only thing they have to do is keep eating, digesting and storing away energy as they develop. Yep, that sounds familiar. Lovin' it.

Laying Down My Life

On the receding end of one of the most intense weeks of my life, I, needless to say, have a few things I've been thinking that I'd like to get into words. The last few months have felt a little like sitting in a sauna where some one kept turning the heat up a little bit at a time, culminating with taking boards.

Hitting the hospital/clinic this week was my analogous experience to jumping into a huge pile of snow after sweating in the sauna for a few hours.

It was exhilarating. It was unexpected. It was really freakin' hard. I kind of want to do it again.

I'm not much of a morning person, but we start our day around 7, which might not sound THAT early, but it is. I actually got up at 5:30am one day this week for the first time that didn't involve fun in I don't know how long. I'm used to getting lots of sleep and on my 2 call days this week I didn't get home from work until 11 or 12. You do the math. I actually did pretty okay with the sleepiness cause everything was new and exciting and REAL.

Talking about patients specifically is not ok, but I do want to share a cross-section of the kind of stuff I'm seeing. I'm working on a pediatrics rotation, so none of the patients I've seen have been 18 or older, so it's little kids and young teens I've been seeing. I've seen cases of possible pregnant teens having to weigh the moral consequences of the morning-after pill against the possibility of having a child before graduating high school. I've seen children hearing that they have a life-threatening illness and won't get to be normal kids for years to come. I've seen brand new babies with life-threatening illness that I can't confidently say whether they still live as I write this.

There's more, but it's hard to share without giving too many details. As I finally caught my breath this weekend, I started to ask myself the natural questions, like "What am I doing?" "Am I even competent to do this?" "Do I really want to spend the majority of my life indoors?" "Do I really want to live like this?"

The answer came to me on my knees in the shower this morning. As I contrasted the life that I could pursue of adventure, recreation, travel and self-indulgence with a life of a physician, I realized that the one is focused on self, while the latter is focused on others. When I was called to this profession, it was not because it would bring me fulfillment, but because it would ease the suffering of others. And through that, I would find fulfillment and peace with God.

We studied the story of the rich young ruler (Matthew 19) on a Wednesday night when I was home in Kenai. He asked what he must do to be perfect and Jesus told him to sell everything and give to the poor. While we can never life up to perfection, walking with God involves taking steps toward him, and at this point in my life, I've realized that laying down myself and trusting God is the step. I'm not doing this because it makes the most sense or because I think right now it will make my life the easiest. But I know without a doubt that I will be burdened in this life and the burden that I am going to choose will be the light one that Christ offers rather than the unbearable weight of attempting to hang on to my life and wring the last drops of joy out of every experience. I will be content in what is before me and be full because I am allowing God to fill me by walking with Him rather than attempting to forge my own road.

When I truly submit to Him, there is no room for jealousy or cynicism or regret and all the room in the world for love and joy.

Friday night found me at my cousin's house in Blackfoot, a 30 minute drive from Pocatello, watching Pierce Pettis soulfully hypnotize the audience and myself with songs of honesty as he and his guitar spoke the truth about what they have seen and heard in this life. It was one of those moments that transcends our daily experience and reminds us of those other connected times that dance on the periphery of our memory waiting to be recalled. For me, those times have been centered on and surrounded by and saturated with the presence of God and reflecting His glory back to Him with the knowledge that you are exactly in the right place, doing exactly what you've always known you were meant for. So now, I can't wait for Monday.

Independence

Quite fitting that on July 4th, I finally feel like I am yet again independent... kind of.

Quick summary of what my last month has consisted of:

Early June: cramming parts together in some semblance of a vegetable oil burning conversion for Stacey, trying to pack up, get everything NOT being packed disposed of and trying to be a decent human being at the same time.

Less-early June: leaving a few things behind, JR and I jumped in Stacey and began the trek through Canada to the homeland. The link is JR's account of the adventure w/pictures.


Junish: There were rumors of my presence in Anchorage and Girdwood for a few days, then I disappeared from society for two weeks. Some surmise that I was inventing a toaster oven that never burns toast, but in reality I was cramming information into my head at alarming rates. I took a brief break when I realized that my graduating class had reinvaded Kenai for the weekend:

Early July: D-Day. Both the day of Step 1 of the United States Medical Licensing Exam and the 1 year anniversay of Daniel getting shot in Ecuador. A wry irony. The next day, I packed my bag in Kenai, tied up a few loose ends and headed out for Seattle and Idaho.

I'm now in Seattle, finally relaxing. Ahhhhh.

Being back in Alaska was AWESOME. And I love it a ton. I always forget how great it is being there until I get back. No place like it.

Since being alone and back home, I've been doing a lot of remembering. Remembering who I am, who I have been and who I've wanted to grow into. It involved some checking in with myself to see if I'm living up to the man that I was hoping to be at this point. In some ways, yes, in some ways, no. I believe that God is steering me down the right paths right now and that His grace is enough to get me through the rough patches. I felt his presense with me strongly taking my giant test and was reminded that the only thing keeping me from that assurance all the time is my own attentiveness. So I'm ready to enter the wards of 3rd year with full confidence in the God who has brough me this far. He has been faithful and kept His promises and I LOVE Him for it.

Before signing off, I would be no kind of uncle if I didn't show off a couple pictures of my NEW NEPHEWS!!! I present to you: Carson Richard Hawes

and Jeffrey Dane Hultberg:
They're WAY cuter in real life, but these were the only shots I had handy. I am incredibly blessed.